his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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