Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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