hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
