i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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