the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
