I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
