Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
