Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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