Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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