Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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