I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
