do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
