i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
