Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
