I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
