I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just found puke in my bra..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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