I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
