You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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