i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize