Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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