My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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