i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
