How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
