Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
