Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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