Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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