So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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