Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
