I just cut my nipple shaving
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
