remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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