I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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