My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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