i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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