i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
