you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
