I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
