after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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