24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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