you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
