he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
