Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
tell me about the fingering
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