no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
