I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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