Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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