apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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