you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
