sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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