Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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