I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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