You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
