I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
