Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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