i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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