PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
