he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
