I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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