I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
