You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just threw up on my dentist
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
