I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Randomize
